birth within fear, and other thoughts

Hello, world! My second baby (third pregnancy), Mr. Robert, is almost 9 months old. In other words, the length of almost an entire pregnancy has passed since he came into the world of sights and sounds! The terror that filled the nine months of that pregnancy now seems so small, in light of his perfect little smile!


For anyone who missed the drama of my first pregnancy, I developed HELLP Syndrome at 37.5 weeks, had an awfully close scrape with death, and Alastair (my dear husband) and I nearly lost our perfect baby girl, Margaret (now well into her terrible twos).


Yes, pregnancy and birth, after going through such terrifying experiences, were scary. Yes, I considered quite seriously whether the potential risks were worth it. In the end, I decided that what was even scarier than losing myself or losing another baby (we lost one to a miscarriage between Margaret and Robert) was the thought of losing ALL of it-- to put a stop to having babies would not only be, for us, losing all of our possible, though yet unknown, children; but also, for ME, it would mean losing myself. For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was a mother-- all I ever wanted to do was have and raise children. For me, the thought of giving up that dream was far scarier than the thought of losing my own life.


I've heard this phrase thrown around the internet quite a bit-- "birth without fear." It often accompanies articles propagating the idea that our bodies are perfect and wonderful and always do what they need to do in order to keep us safe, and that women shouldn't feel like they need to see doctors ever or take care of themselves or follow their instincts when they feel like something's wrong... Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. A little. (In general I support these sentiments, but personal experience has shown me that "nature" doesn't ALWAYS know what it's doing!)


But my point is this: Fear isn't always a bad thing. Fear is bad when it stops us from doing things that we want to do, things that we need to do, things that we dream to do. But that's not the fear that's doing the stopping... that's you. That's me. Fear isn't a bad thing. Fear is just a thing.


Of course, I'm talking a big talk now that I made it through a second full-term pregnancy alive and well, and a significant amount of time has passed, and I presently have two babies sleeping (at the same time!!!).


Anyway, I've been seriously procrastinating writing this post because my last two (packing my hospital bag and experiencing a miscarriage) were such big hits and I was nervous that with this I wouldn't say what I wanted to say exactly the way I intended. But I figured it was long overdue... thanks for reading! And hopefully, with this post, I will encourage someone to NOT be controlled by fear.