birth within fear, and other thoughts

Hello, world! My second baby (third pregnancy), Mr. Robert, is almost 9 months old. In other words, the length of almost an entire pregnancy has passed since he came into the world of sights and sounds! The terror that filled the nine months of that pregnancy now seems so small, in light of his perfect little smile!


For anyone who missed the drama of my first pregnancy, I developed HELLP Syndrome at 37.5 weeks, had an awfully close scrape with death, and Alastair (my dear husband) and I nearly lost our perfect baby girl, Margaret (now well into her terrible twos).


Yes, pregnancy and birth, after going through such terrifying experiences, were scary. Yes, I considered quite seriously whether the potential risks were worth it. In the end, I decided that what was even scarier than losing myself or losing another baby (we lost one to a miscarriage between Margaret and Robert) was the thought of losing ALL of it-- to put a stop to having babies would not only be, for us, losing all of our possible, though yet unknown, children; but also, for ME, it would mean losing myself. For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was a mother-- all I ever wanted to do was have and raise children. For me, the thought of giving up that dream was far scarier than the thought of losing my own life.


I've heard this phrase thrown around the internet quite a bit-- "birth without fear." It often accompanies articles propagating the idea that our bodies are perfect and wonderful and always do what they need to do in order to keep us safe, and that women shouldn't feel like they need to see doctors ever or take care of themselves or follow their instincts when they feel like something's wrong... Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. A little. (In general I support these sentiments, but personal experience has shown me that "nature" doesn't ALWAYS know what it's doing!)


But my point is this: Fear isn't always a bad thing. Fear is bad when it stops us from doing things that we want to do, things that we need to do, things that we dream to do. But that's not the fear that's doing the stopping... that's you. That's me. Fear isn't a bad thing. Fear is just a thing.


Of course, I'm talking a big talk now that I made it through a second full-term pregnancy alive and well, and a significant amount of time has passed, and I presently have two babies sleeping (at the same time!!!).


Anyway, I've been seriously procrastinating writing this post because my last two (packing my hospital bag and experiencing a miscarriage) were such big hits and I was nervous that with this I wouldn't say what I wanted to say exactly the way I intended. But I figured it was long overdue... thanks for reading! And hopefully, with this post, I will encourage someone to NOT be controlled by fear.

Experiencing Loss

One year ago today, 10 months after almost losing my own life as well as the life of my daughter, Margaret, to HELLP Syndrome, my husband and I experienced something even more horrible: the loss of a child.

I was maybe three months pregnant—we had just begun telling our friends and family—and we were beyond ecstatic. Early in the morning on day two of our vacation in Corpus Christi, TX, visiting my brother and his wife and daughter, I noticed some spotting on the toilet paper. My heart sank, and I called my husband into the bathroom. Of course some spotting during early pregnancy can be normal, so we told ourselves that that’s what it was. On my next trip to the bathroom I knew that wasn’t what it was.

We cried. I cried. I cried long and hard, that week of our vacation, the next week at home, and for weeks and months afterwards. Now, a year later, I’m crying again. My husband told my brother and his wife in the next room what happened. They had not long before also experienced a miscarriage. Though little enjoyment could be found in the remainder of our trip, it was an enormous blessing to be on vacation—off of work, away from “real life,” able to be husband and wife, experiencing pain together—as well as in the company of beloved family who were very familiar with the deepness of our pain.

Many people—family, friends, all well-meaning—have said that there must have been something terribly wrong with the baby, and that’s exactly why early miscarriages happen. The baby wouldn’t have been healthy anyway. Maybe that’s true, but it did nothing to dull the pain. For someone who’s pro-life, miscarriage matters. Whatever deformities or disabilities or other inadequacies my baby may have had in no way diminish the love that I had and still have for my baby.

At the time, despite my anguish, I knew that what I was experiencing was part of God’s plan. For whatever reason, God had created my baby, intentionally. This baby was no “accident,” no casual misfortune. As the Psalmist wrote, “You created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb… I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God created this baby, and then took him home. Or her. Someday, when God takes me home too, I’ll find out. Until then, I believe that my son or daughter is communing with the saints in Heaven.

Of course now, I can see more clearly what God was planning—a wonderful, joyous, perfect plan—and his name is Robert Spencer. Our sweet baby boy would not have been possible without that loss. 

It’s been a year, and I haven’t really talked about my miscarriage. It makes people uncomfortable, and it makes me sad. It's easier to just avoid the topic. Since my baby never entered this world, and my few months of pregnancy are the only “memories” that anyone has of my little one, it somehow seems okay to write it off as if it never happened. As Dr. Seuss said, “a person’s a person, no matter how small,” and although it’s true that time is a great healer, is forgetting really the best approach? At many times it’s seemed that that is how the world would have my husband and I respond. 

I don’t have any grand conclusion to this post. My only hope is that by writing this, I may encourage someone else to talk about what losses they’ve experienced. Please don’t push aside your real emotions because someone else says they’re not valid. You are allowed to be sad. And then you are allowed to move on and begin to again see the joy in life, no matter how long it takes you to get there. 

For Baby Aidan

Today is your birthday, my sweet baby dear

But you are in heaven, and not with us here.

I never got to hold you or give you a kiss

But Mommy loves you, and you are missed. 

My plans for you on this earth couldn’t come true 

Because God needed an angel, and that angel is you. 

So today on your “Heaven Birthday,” I will light a candle and say a prayer

And thank God for my angel baby, and that you’re in His care.